october 2020

 Some Annie quotes: "Don't pester me with questions please." [said when I walked up and interrupted her activity with a question, quotes from a Berenstain bears book]

"Mom I feel like I'm dying." [said on a hike]

"I'm going to invite you over to my house and I'm NOT going to pick my nose." [said to some new friends]

"I have tears coming down my face but I can get a Kleenexxxx and wipe them and Heavenly Father will help me" [sung by herself while crying to calm herself down]

Some Heidi antics at 18 mo: can say a lot of one-word commands like: please, berry, water, bear, deer, dog, bird, butterfly, milk, more, please, thank you, daddy, mommy, Annie, MINE, flower, airplane. She is a determined crawler and can crawl on most things with dexterity. Eats a ton of food and is not a picky eater yet, really. Very affectionate and emotional. Plays pretty well with Annie. 

Annie's 3 yr Photos

Just getting around to posting these photos I took of Annie back in April when she turned three (she's really almost 3 1/2 now) They may not be perfect photos but she is the perfect 3 yr old. My favorite things about Annie right now are: her loving and kind heart (to anyone hurting, to me, to her sister), her adorable laugh and smile, her resilience and ability to forgive and move forward after setbacks, her creativity and curious mind, her desire to learn EVERYTHING, her helpful nature, her free spirit and bravery, and so many other things. She is growing into such a wonderful girl and I feel so so privileged to get to be her momma. 

A Sunday afternoon in May

I could obsess about how these photos aren't perfect photography, or the kids are dressed perfectly, or the lighting wasn't ideal, or my outfit is atrocious, or my HAIR, but honestly these photos makes me so happy. I just love these people with all my heart and every moment with them is a gift! 

16 days of coronavirus?

This has been the craziest past 16 days of my life. I am wanting to document it all to help me process the madness that this has been.

16 days ago I started to come down with a cough. I could tell right away something was in my lungs. Not just a "I have phlegm" type of cough but a "Ok I'm sick now" cough. It was pretty persistent but I didn't think much of it until I had a fever a day later. Annie also had a fever so I figured I was just getting the cold she was. I had a pretty intense fever and tiredness for two days but didn't take any medication because, frankly, fevers help me sleep better! At one point before bed, I took my fever and it was 102, but I didn't take it in the night and the fever broke several hours later, I think. Still, I didn't think much of it and went on with life. The next day I went outside to play with my daughter and started feeling like I was going to faint. I couldn't seem to catch my breath but all I was doing was walking slowly toddler-pace. I came inside and laid down, pretty freaked out that all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. I knew that I probably would get bronchitis (I get it almost every time I get any kind of cold - my sinuses have a hard time getting out the virus and it usually progresses to bronchitis and a persistent cough). But even with the five times I've gotten bronchitis, I've never felt like I did then - short of breath and faint. I immediately went inside and laid down in my bed because schools were shutting down, works were switching to teleworking from home from the coronavirus scare.

I spent basically two full days laying in bed all day trying to just deep breathe. Have you ever felt like you couldn't breathe? It is a terrifying feeling. It makes you feel anxious and that makes it even worse. Not to mention that it's a symptom of the virus EVERYONE is talking about, closing schools over, buying tons of toilet paper over - coronavirus.

Annie got over her fever and cough pretty quickly. It seemed to linger and manifest itself in strange ways - she looked fine but acted crazy and exhausted. She had a minor runny nose. Then a few days later fell asleep in weird places. But overall she was fine. Samuel got the fever and cough and it lasted less than 24 hours. All while I seemed to be getting worse and worse.

After a few days of laying in bed, I started to get intense diarrhea, abdominal pain, and lack of appetite. The idea of putting one bite of food in my mouth made me want to puke. I tried to keep eating nonetheless and drinking people I knew getting malnourished would not be a good idea. I could breathe okay, but I was mostly just EXTREMELY FATIGUED and could feel rumblings in my chest when I breathed. Was I making this up? Maybe my stomach pain and nausea was just from the anxiety I was feeling surrounding this illness that was literally in the media EVERYWHERE? Maybe I was just imagining these symptoms. Maybe they were getting worse just from being isolated in my room all day for several days. I had since turned off my phone, put it in airplane mode, and started stopping myself from getting on the internet because it caused me too much anxiety. Samuel thought it might be a good idea to try and relieve some of the anxiety and isolation by going for a run. He thought all my symptoms were just in my head. I said there was no way in the world I could go running. But then a woman went running by as we were getting in our car for a drive and he said, "See look, she's doing it!" So I thought, "Ok, maybe I am making this up. Maybe a job would help my nausea."

BAD IDEA. I did actually run a mile. But after I got in the car, I felt full-body fatigue, tightening of my lungs, and just like I was about to die. We decided to go to the clinic because I obviously was not making this up. After telling the PA my symptoms, she listened to my lungs. I told her I might have some rumbling in the left side of my lungs but after listening, she said it was all over my entire lungs, with some wheezing. She started me on a nebulizer treatment and said that I might have pneumonia given my diarrhea/lack of appetite and advised I start on azithromycin. Of course, she denied me testing because I "hadn't been in contact with a confirmed case or been out of state" and "because [I] am mostly healthy otherwise." Hmmm. She also gave me an inhaler and said we could do a chest x-ray, but seemed not very persuasive because the treatment plan would be the same.

I went home and started taking the medication. The fatigue I felt was unlike any I'd ever experienced, as was the diarrhea and abdominal pain. I also had several nights where I couldn't sleep hardly at all due to anxiety about dying over this illness. It was very real and several days I had to just listen to church music to calm myself and just lay there trying to focus on breathing. Several days went by of resting and thinking I was getting better then just to have worsening breathing and worse nausea. It was such a rollercoaster. Then Sunday around 1 pm, I just felt an extreme tiredness like nothing I had ever felt. I could not move a muscle in my bed and had to just focus on each breathe, which seemed like running a marathon each time. The kids came in and tried to crawl on me but I couldn't even muster the energy to tell them to stop playing with my stuff or to call Samuel to get them. I could not move. It started to freak me out and I felt like that for hours. I started to get a low-grade fever which also freaked me out, but it was short-lived and might have been my body's last-ditch effort to fight off this crazy virus.

My family convinced me to go the hospital (things didn't SEEM to be getting better as far as fatigue and breathing went). I went to the ER and spent an excruciating hour in the waiting room of the ER, using all my strength to try to just stay in the chair and not fall out. Or to lift my water bottle to my mouth and down again. So. much. work. I have never felt that tired in my whole life. I tried to think about how I was going to make it to the waiting room without fainting. Finally I saw an ER nurse, dressed in full-body protective gear. She asked me to take my coat off and I had to ask her for help in doing it because I could barley lift my arms. I felt weak and dehydrated because by this point it was 7 pm. Eventually she took my blood and did a chest x-ray. After a few hours of sitting there I started to regain strength. I was shocked to have my chest x-ray come back completely normal, as well as my blood work. The doctor and nurse had NO answers for me and could not explain why I felt the way I did. Of course, they denied me testing again for not meeting criteria.

I went home, half-relieved that my lungs had cleared from the pneumonia and half-confused and puzzled at why I had the most extreme exhaustion I had ever had. Looking back, I think it was just my body finally taking an exhale after a week of physical and mental misery.

Some of you may think I didn't have coronavirus. And I guess I will never know. But it sure seems like I had every possible conceivable coronavirus symptom. And it sure didn't feel like anything I have ever experienced before when it comes to fatigue and breathing problems. What a scary, terrifying week and I couldn't be more relived to have it all over with.

Today is day 16 and I could do a lot today that I haven't been able to do for two weeks- fix my family meals, clean up, play with my kids, take Annie outside and enjoy my time instead of spending 100% of my time focusing on breathing and getting oxygen. I still had to take naps. I still had a lot of uncomfortable nausea and diarrhea today. But it was progress. And I also felt more present with my kids. More grateful for time to make delicious and healthy meals for my family. More gratitude for holding my beautiful one-year-old without thinking I'm going to fall over from fatigue. And more happiness making snowballs with my talkative three-year-old instead of worrying about how I'm going to get back into the house without collapsing. Life is good and I'm so grateful for each day of life. It truly is a gift!

On Resilience

We had stake conference today and yesterday and had Lynn G. Robbins come and speak to us. I wasn't feeling good on Saturday night when adult session started, and as I was driving over (Samuel was watching the kids, who also weren't quite feeling great yet), I started to feel like people would judge me for going because I was obviously sick. Then I felt, "Your spirit is sick. You need to go." 

I felt the Spirit so much during the broadcast and want to record some of the things he shared as well as my thoughts. Everything he said was just what I needed to hear. 

He talked about distractions, and how we need to give the Lord "the firstlings of our time." He talked about simplicity and how we unnecessarily complicate our lives with distractions (books, iTunes, amazon, podcasts, ted talks, social media, etc). He talked about how simplifying our lives relates to financial security. He said the #1 financial principle he saw in his work was to believe that "I have sufficient for my needs." The more we consume, the more life we are trading. It doesn't matter how much money you make, if we don't curb our desire for MORE, we won't have enough. There is never enough for the natural man. Once you free yourself from wanting more, more, more, you free your mind and open it up to creativity. I loved that thought. He said the opposite to that thought is "I can buy anything in this world with money." He talked about how there is a burden to ownership and we have to ask ourselves, is it worth it to own it or can we just rent? Few rich men own their things, their things own them. Satan wants us to accumulate things because he knows they will take up our time. He doesn't want money, he wants our time. 

Then he talked about resiliency. He said that something is happening with the youth. We are raising youth that are not as resilient. People are coming home from missions because they don't have the resiliency to deal with hard challenges. He prompted us to think about three questions:

What did your parents do to raise you to be resilient?

What am I doing to raise my children to be resilient?

What is Heavenly Father doing to raise me to be resilient? 

He opened up to the audience and had people share their ideas, and then expounded on them. He talked about the value of work, and of not making life easier for your kids. Don't be a "snowplow parent" (an especially apt analogy for where we live, haha). Don't prepare the road for your child, prepare your child for the road. Try to have a balance between charity and self reliance. Too much of charity leads to the Santa Claus syndrome and entitlement but too much of self reliance leads to Scrooge syndrome, with negativity and isolation. He talked about Helen Keller and having high expectations for your kids, even those with disabilities. Stand by them, but don't shield them from life's challenges. How were the early saints resilient? Connect your children to a "family narrative" of resilience. He talked about trusting our kids with responsibilities like letting a one year old hold a spoon, even though it means there will be a radius of mess around them. Have faith and patience to let them learn skills and make mistakes. Lastly, love them. Make your home a safe place for making mistakes. He said we have more control over our emotions than we think we do. We choose to be angry. Choose to never do anything to make your home anything but a safety net for your kids to learn. Remember that the Savior was the perfect example of resilience when He performed the Atonement. "Our success in life is going from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm." View obstacles as stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks. 

I really loved these thoughts. It has made me think about my own resilience. Do I run from challenges? I think my natural instinct if something is hard is to want to run away or give up. Raising a family here has been difficult this year and so many times, I have felt negative or frustrated. But I can look at the positive - I am raising hardy children! They are doing hard things, and so am I. Instead of viewing the challenges in my marriage as hard things I hate, I can view them as stepping stones and avenues for growth. I can teach my children to be resilient, to try again when they have a struggle. I think my Heavenly Father does not shield me from hard things, but instead is ready and waiting for me when I come to Him. He doesn't always make my path easier, but He does at times help me have experiences that are lights on my path. 

On Negative Thinking

A few months ago, a friend of mine reached out to a bunch of us to practice doing some family life coaching for her program. I started to meet with her because free counseling! why not. I basically word-vomited to her about all the challenges I have. She was a good listener and offered me resources, letting me guide what goals I wanted to set. We started talking about negative thinking and about how to replace extreme, negative thoughts with more realistic ones. She gave me several resources to work on my thinking.

Later that week, I went skiing up at the ski resort. It had dumped two or three feet of snow, but I went later in the day when it had warmed up. The trails were bumpy with lots of melted, heavy snow. It was very difficult for me to ski down the mountain. I started to feel frustrated (fueled by my other frustrations with living in such a wintery climate) and my mind was flooded with thoughts like, "I'll never like skiing. Why am I lying to myself? I hate skiing. I'll never be good. I'll never fit in in this mountain town of skiers. I'm so tired." For the first time I think in the history of time for me, I recognized those thoughts as being kind of extreme. I tried to replace them with other thoughts like, "It's been a rough day. I'm tired and I didn't get enough sleep last night. These conditions are hard to ski in. I am not loving it today, but maybe I'll try next week and maybe I'll like skiing next time." Immediately, I noticed a difference in how I felt, and also noticed how if I had allowed myself to go down that spiral of negative thinking, it would have affected the trajectory of my entire day! I would have come home grumpy, with a negative (and unrealistic) outlook on life here. It would have probably affected my kids and my husband as well. Instead, I came home still not in the best mood, but not in a super negative mood either.

Fast forward to a week later. It's Friday again! Samuel is prodding me to go downhill skiing again. It's a sunny day, and frankly, I don't want to go. But I also know I need the alone time so I'll take him up on it. I get to the mountain and it's a sunny, beautiful day. The skis are blue. I feel confident and well-rested. I feel competent and I ski down every run on that side of the mountain in record time! The runs are smooth and I am fast. It's pure bliss! I have these thoughts like, "This is amazing! This is the most fun I've had in a long time!!" I loved it. And it hit me hard - what if I had let my negative thinking keep me from trying again? I realized that, if we allow ourselves to think negatively, it's not only completely unrealistic (I do like skiing! ha) but it also affects everything. It limits us. It makes us live by our fears instead of with light and optimism.

Another experience around the same time - I'm visiting a friend of mine, Karin, who has multiple sclerosis. She is an amazing example of faith, optimism, and genuineness. She is one of those people that I can truly be myself around. I went to her house and I guess I was in a "down" mood. I start talking to her about my feelings about being released from my calling in young womens, suddenly and abruptly. I started to talk about my negative feelings about myself and about the president because of the release (I know, I shouldn't have and I usually avoid that but with her, I sometimes let my guard down!) She called me out and said how she has noticed that I struggle with thinking negatively, just like her. She pulled up an app that she uses to try to think more positively and said that she struggles with the same thing. Her comment initially stung, I'll be honest. But I value her opinion and friendship so much, and already had been having these other experiences about it that it was another flag to me that I should work on it!

Third experience - Samuel and I were out on a family outing going cross-country skiing. In the beginning of the ski, we get in a disagreement (I can't remember what about but probably something menial). He skis off pulling the kids (or maybe I slow down...or maybe a combination) but somehow I'm left by myself on our "family outing." I start to feel bitter and frustrated with the same problems we have dealt with many times. I started to feel negative thoughts creep in, "We'll never get this worked out. How are we ever going to overcome these major problems in our relationships? This is so great - I'm skiing by myself on a family outing...how could he leave me behind??" Then I noticed them. I tried really hard (this is not easy for me) to replace them with more positive and realistic thoughts. "We had a disagreement. There are lots of things I like about Samuel. He's a hard worker. He's a wonderful father. He has a good heart and is very kind. He has similar goals to me. We can work it out and this is just a bump in the road." Honestly, I still wasn't really believing those thoughts, but at least they kept me from blurting something hurtful out to him when he did actually slow down and apologize to me. The rest of the family outing was fun and a wonderful time of bonding together. I realized, again, that if I had allowed myself to think negatively, it would have affected our time together, it would have made me feel negative and unforgiving. It would also have affected our children!

I have started to notice more and more how these thoughts creep in. It's been a hard realization, and it's difficult for me to overcome them sometimes. (Why is it easier to sometimes believe these unrealistic, negative thoughts?) But I'm growing in self-awareness which is a huge step for me!