On Spiritual Entitelment & Dealing with Trials

 I remember a particularly poignant experience on my mission in Taiwan. It was my third transfer, and I had worked tirelessly to teach and help a particular investigator who we had found ourselves. I had worked to teach her, build a relationship with her, pray for her, and help her in every way possible until one day, she stopped answering our phone calls and cut us off. I was devastated. We had not seen any baptisms up until this point on my mission, I was in a foreign land working my tail off learning a foreign language, sweating up and down the streets, and I was left feeling like, "What is the point of all this work?" I collapsed in our front room floor bawling my eyes out, reeling from the rejection and despair. My companion, who was older and more experienced than me (and albeit pretty hardened and harsh) started yelling at me, "You're so prideful! You think you earn the success? You don't deserve to see anything in return for your work. You're here to serve the Lord and you're not entitled to anything!" Her response crushed me. I cried even more. But she could not have been any more right in her response (although her delivery was not very kind). We ended up having a good relationship because she loved to cook and I loved to eat. 28 meals later, we had a great relationship despite her rebuke.

But her words have always stayed with me, especially during challenging times. I came home from my mission and worked hard to find the "right one" but was for single for many years and had to go through so much heartache in the process. Why, when I've been righteous and tried to do what's right, was I not being blessed with an eternal marriage like so many others I saw? Why did I see others not obey the law of Chastity or the commandments that I had worked diligently to obey and yet they were being blessed in ways I wasn't?

Fast forward several years to now. I've lived my whole life trying to obey the word of wisdom, go to the temple, take care of my body as best I can, and yet I've struggled for eight months with unexplained, sometimes debilitating health issues (along with millions of others in the US also dealing with long haul Covid symptoms). Is this how I get blessed when I've tried so hard to take care of my body and value my health?

The faulty idea of feeling like we are entitled to blessings because of our obedience was perfectly articulated by Elder D. Todd Christofferson last general conference. I couldn't believe that someone was putting the thoughts I've been feeling for so long (and a tendency I've noticed in myself so often) into words as I listened. 

"It truly is folly for us with our mortal myopia to presume to judge God, to think, for example, 'I'm not happy, so God must be doing something wrong...Some misunderstand the promises of God to mean that obedience to Him yields specific outcomes on a fixed schedule. They might think, 'If I diligently serve a full-time mission, God will bless me with a happy marriage and children...' But things are not so mechanical in the divine economy. We ought not to think of God's plan as a cosmic vending machine where we select a desired blessing , insert the required sum of good works, and the order is promptly delivered...

It is essential that we honor and obey His laws, but not every blessing predicated on obedience to law is shaped, designed and timed according to our expectations. We do our best but must leave to Him the management of blessings, both temporal and spiritual." 

He goes on to say that the purpose of our faith should not be in outcomes, but in our knowledge of and relationship with Jesus Christ. We obey commandments not because we are gaining "righteous points" or earning blessings, but because doing so should change our natures and help us become more like Him, which process, Elder Christofferson states, can be "wrenching and painful at times." He advises, "So, in the midst of this refiner's fire, rather than get angry with God, get close to God. Call upon the Father in the name of the Son. Walk with Them in the Spirit, day by day. Allow Them over time to manifest Their fidelity to you. Come truly to Know Them and truly to know yourself. Let God prevail." 

These words speak right to my heart. I feel my heart soften as I read them. It can be so painful to face a challenge that guts you, confuses you, isolates you, and especially one that persists over time with very few answers or signs of lessening. I feel for anyone going through such a time. I love his advice to "get close to God, walk with Them day by day, and "allow Them over time to manifest Their fidelity to you." Those verbs denote patience and a slow process and an opening of our hearts to Them over time. They denote waiting upon the Lord and trusting in Him over time. They denote relying on Them each day. Then lastly his advice to, "Come truly to know Them and truly to know yourself." What have I learned about myself during this trial? Am I coming to know myself better? What do I see or understand that I didn't understand before? How am I coming to know the Savior? Be patient in the process. How have I seen His hand up until now? How do I want to see His hand more in the days to come, and how can those desires shape my prayers? 

I don't have all the answers, but these words and this advice calms my fears and helps me be patient in the process, and recognize that not all progress comes in the ways that I want it to. I've felt so frustrated today. I look around my house and see all the work I need and want to do - all the mess, all the chaos, all the disorganization. I don't have the energy to organize it like I want. I am sick of living day to day, doing the bare minimum because I don't have energy. I am sick of feeling like all I have energy for is reading books to my kids instead of doing more grand adventures with my kids like I want and crave. I am sick of the disappointment of not being able to exercise and get in shape like I want to because of all of the health challenges. I have felt like these things have hindered my progress. But I'm realizing that they haven't. What is more important than all of those things? Building my relationship with Christ and coming to know Him and myself. That is my top priority. It's more important than a clean house. It's more important than a fit body. It's more important than being the perfect mom. Progress may not come in the way that I want it to, but it's empowering to think that my setbacks don't have to define my progress. My frustrations melt away when I'm able to see that something more important can happen as I turn my heart to Him and trust in Him each day. And so for tomorrow, I'm choosing to trust in Him and give my will over to Him. 

On Loving God

 GC Talk “A might change of heart: I have nothing more to give you” Eduardo Gavarret 

How do we change our hearts? 

Study scriptures->seek knowledge->desire change->prayer and fasting->act->covenants 

I love the emphasis on study scriptures with the motivation and desire to gain knowledge of the Savior. How does our motivation affect scripture study? How does it affect our hearts? It has everything to do with my heart and the condition of our hearts. It is interesting that the condition of my heart can make a difference in whether I get anything out of the scriptures. It can make the difference in having “ears to hear and eyes to see” how the scriptures are applicable to me, what they truly mean. If I approach it without that desire, they fall flat and I can not apply them to myself. 

How do we know our heart is changing? 

We want to please God->treat others with love and respect->see the attributes of Christ developing in ourselves->feel guidance of Holy Ghost->keep the commandments better than before. 

Interesting that once our hearts change, we can change. Instead of focusing on the behavior I don’t like in myself/a weakness, I can focus on God and He can change me from the inside->out and I will develop His attributes. The last thing to change is the actions (keep commandments better). Change from the inside out instead of from the outside in. 

This is applicable to parenting. Don’t try to change my kids’ actions from the outside->in, try from the inside->out. When I punish without trying to understand what’s going on inside, the apologies will be empty and they will hit sister or do whatever again. Instead try to teach principles and help them become self aware so they can change themselves from the inside->out.

How do we maintain a mighty change of heart?

Partake of sacrament weekly->go to the temple->love and serve neighbors.

We gain POWER from our covenants (sacrament and temple). Power to change. Power to have hope and power to keep trying and persisting. Power of the Atonement. 

“This change of heart is not an event; it takes faith, repentance, and constant spiritual work to happen.”

Deut 8:11-17 we so often forget God in times of plenty. We attribute our success to ourselves when in actuality God is the one “who led thee through that great and terrible wilderness.” How often have I thought “I’m strong for getting through that trial. That was a hard time, I can’t believe I did it.” When in actuality I should be remembering that God was the One who got me through it. How has God led me through the wilderness of these sicknesses? Through Heidi’s sickness? Through the stress of marriage? Through the challenges of parenting? Am I attributing my successes to myself or to God? 

Deut 30:20 “That thou latest love the Lord they God and that thou mayest obey His voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto Him, for He is thy life, and the length of thy Days” 

I love this scripture. I think if I truly loved the Lord and cleaved unto Him (like I cleave unto some of my habits), I think I would have more power and strength to get through some of my challenges. What if I tried to make Him more the focal point of my thoughts and conversations as I’m sitting with my kids, as I’m on walks or hikes, as I’m lying in bed or when I wake up instead of defaulting to other mind numbing things on my phone? 

What I am learning

The past five months have been some of the most difficult of my life. It’s been incredibly isolating to deal with ongoing health problems that don’t ever fully go away, that doctors don’t understand and frankly turn away from because they don’t have answers, that many well meaning friends and family also look over because they also don’t understand and it doesn’t fit into a mold they’re familiar with (which I don’t fault anyone for doing). It’s incredibly frustrating, discouraging, and isolating. Not to mention completely exhausting, and a burden I have had to carry practically on my own. 

I’m trying to figure out what I’ve learned from it all. First thing is, 

1. Everyone is going through something hard, so give EVERYONE grace. When I feel tempted to feel hurt by a friend that didn’t reach out like I think she should, or said something callous, I try to remind myself, who knows what she is going through? Meet her where she’s at. Because most people don’t know what I have been going through. I have had to put on a smiling face and muscle my way through every day for five months and some days it’s overbearing and some days I can hide behind the face. And no one knows and no one gets it. Why would I expect them to understand? Maybe that friend you feel hurt by has her own hidden struggle behind closed doors. Some struggles are private. So give everyone grace and hope they do for you too.

2. I am the expert on my body. My dad taught me this one. I am the expert. Not the doctor. Not the nurse. Not the internet. Not science. I know what I am experiencing. My body is constantly giving me feedback. Listen to it, respond to the feedback, observe. Don’t judge and don’t try to diagnose too much. Don’t expect the doctors or nurses to make you better. They do their best but sometimes it is out of their realm. And when you get enough information, come back and give the doctors the data. Bodies are complicated. No one has all the answers. And while God does, and can do all things, sometimes you just have to live in ambiguity and except that. And confront the anxiety and depression that occasionally spills over from living in the gray for so long. Then when you’ve confronted the anxiety and depression, get up and keep plugging along. 

3. You are your own advocate. I went three weeks after entering the ER in excruciating pain before I got a follow up about an ultrasound. I had to call several times to even get that ultrasound. And then I had to drive five hours to get out the thing that sent me to the ER three weeks prior (and continued to cause ER level pain those three weeks waiting). Don’t expect anyone else to care about how much pain you are in unless you bother them enough. Sometimes you have to set up several appointments and cancel the ones that end up not working out. Do the work on your end to get your answers. Seek out the specialists and move on from the specialist that don’t work for you. Still trying to enact this one.

4. Priesthood blessings are real! I have gotten maybe fifteen in the past seven months. I have held on to the blessings promised in those blessings. I still hold on to those promises, despite not seeing them come to fruition yet. They provide me with an anchor to keep my hope up, and direction and guidance. 

5. Try to see the tender mercies. And try to reframe the mindset of “Why is God doing this to me? Why me?” To “this is a challenge of my generation and my time and just part of my personal journey”, and “How is God supporting me through this challenge?” I had to drive to Boise to get a cyst taken out last week. A friend of ours let us stay at their house for several days while they were out of town. The hospital happened to be right across the street from their house. I was supposed to go to Florida on a trip the same weekend I got the cyst out. I could feel really disappointed I wasn’t in Florida, or I could see what a blessing it is that Samuel already got this exact time off so work wouldn’t be too disrupted by all of this. The gynecologist could fit me in within two days of our meeting, and my photography session I had scheduled for the following weekend happened to be canceled. I happened to finish breastfeeding Clara the day I went into have the surgery done, so I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to feed the baby, what medications I would have to be on or whether it would affect baby, etc. A lot of people happened to text me and offer to bring over dinner, providing four course meals. We have so much food I have had to turn people down! Samuel has a lot of projects he can work on with the girls that have been building up. I’m trying to see the silver lining in this all, and to keep my hope up and be patient. It is hard most days. 

6. Go outside. No matter how I feel, spending time outside is healing to me. It grounds me. It helps me feel peace. It helps my heart heal even when my body won’t. It helps me feel of God’s love for me, even if it’s just sitting in a hammock. 

7. Seasons. I’m trying to do my best to accept the season I’m in. Even when it seems extra long, don’t compare to other people’s season. I would be so stoked to be out of the season of frozen pizza and showing TV to my kids because I’m too sick, but I’m not. And when it feels too much to see everyone else doing things you can’t physically do, shut out the voices for a while. 

8. Have Grace with your spouse as much as you can. When you go through a big trial (specially one that directly affects them!!) recognize that they have their own journey with this trial too. They are affected by it too and it’s their trial too, and sometimes harder when it’s because of you. Have Grace and be kind as much as you can

9. There is always good! Even on my hardest days, there are highlights. My kids still grow up when I’m sick. There is still so much to be grateful for and so much to find joy in even when I’m sick. Some days it’s hard to focus on the positive, but when you can it sure helps. And try not to mourn all that you can’t do for your kids. When mom is sick, they learn new skills too like how to help sister etc.