my breast efforts as a new mom

I took this picture because I wanted to remember what I spend a large portion of my life doing right now (and also because I had fixed my hair, let's be honest here).

Right now Annie is almost 3 1/2 months ish, and I'm still up at 4:30 am with full breasts, waiting for her to wake up. So, I blog! This girl loves to sleep! A wonderful problem to have as a new mom, but not without its challenges. I knew that the first 10 days/2 months of breastfeeding have its challenges, some worse for some women than for others, but I didn't know much else about after that. I read online (which I'm trying to do less of actually, never a good habit) that a large percentage of women quit breastfeeding after the first two months or so. I was surprised by this statistic initially, not so much anymore now that I have been there. I mean, who would have thought I'd be waking up still earlier than the baby, full and pain?

[I think she must have had a growth spurt or something because she fed every two hours one day last week and it increased my supply. Then the next few days all she has wanted to do is sleep (3 hour stretches between feedings). It has thrown my body for a loop. But even before that, I woke up one morning with clogged ducts for no apparent reason that eventually led to killer mastitis while Samuel was out of town.]

And let's talk about breastfeeding in public. We still struggle, and I'm not sure why, to be honest. She is getting bigger and latches really easily when we feed at home in our predictable setting. But when we get out in public, she doesn't feed as long, unlatches, cries, and sometimes spits up more due to difficulties feeding. And I feel flustered and everyone around me feels it.

Ads for nursing covers make me laugh. They could not be further from reality in my situation. They paint a picture of a mom that can nurse anywhere, in any position, happily with perfect hair, completely covered with nothing exposed, with a happy baby. In reality, my experience is as follows: carrying all my "props" (pillow, footstool, burp rag) to wherever I am and a baby who is hungry, trying to maneuver a baby, my clothing, and a nursing cover (sometimes stretchy that gets snagged on baby's head as they flail about) all why frankly failing at keeping myself unexposed to the world. There is milk leaking, babies crying, hair in my face, back fat exposed, nipple exposed, flustered expressions, and aching back/neck/shoulders from all the trying to keep the baby in the right position. It's a hot. mess. Sometimes I look at other new moms, and it seems to be so seamless for them. Babies latch quietly in any position and any time, no exposure happens, and they seem calm and collected. But for me, that has never happened.

I've stopped using a nursing cover. If someone is going to be turned on by me breastfeeding my child, they have bigger problems they're facing in life. Also, people expose more of themselves by choice (immodesty) than I do by necessity, so...that's my justification. It's only awkward around people I know, and in that case only because I feel like I make them feel awkward. I couldn't care less around strangers.

And let's just talk a little about nursing lounges. Ours was obviously designed by a man, bless his heart. No footstools (the key to good nursing per my lactation specialist), outdated armchairs that don't rock back, arms on chair too far apart, baby kicking herself off the breast by kicking the arms of the chair, don't fit the poppy that someone donated...it's a mess. Also, if there are other moms in their, I constantly feel like I'm being judged because the babe doesn't stay latched, starts crying, and I become flustered. Not to mention they always want to chat it up, and me and my baby are just like, "LET ME FEED IN PEACE." So basically I avoid any times that there are lots of people in there and just pray that I don't have to share the room with five billion moms.

One more rant- why are there not more nursing-friendly locations in public? Bathrooms without a changing table or chairs to nurse? Airports don't have them either? It's like, common guys, I am raising a human here that will contribute to society, and you're not making this very easy. Also- nursing clothes! There should be more nursing-friendly dresses, tops, etc that aren't weird and so expensive. What's up with that.

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So now let's talk about the positives of breastfeeding in my experience. Lately, Annalise has started unlatching mid-feeding to look up at me. She cuddles up next to me, looks so happy and content, and will just look up at me and smile (obviously when I'm feeding at home, mind you). It melts my heart to a whole new level. Her smile is so contented and it fills my heart every time. It is unlike any other feeling I have experienced, to have my baby cuddled up next to me and to be happy and full. Those moments make it all worth it. I love breastfeeding for that reason. It has really helped me bond with my baby in ways I can't really describe but find incredibly fulfilling. Also. Her little hands hugging me or moving while she feeds? More adorable than anything I've ever ever seen.

[Side note, it's pretty convenient to be able to go anywhere and know that I could give my baby her meal just by my presence (in theory - I mean, gotta have all my props and such but...in theory). It's cheap, too, and keeps me semi-motivated to eat healthily because she will get whatever I put in there. Of course, sometimes I'm like, give me my ice cream, but more often than not I try to focus on getting those fruits and veggies in.]

So I'll keep trying my breast to keep her happy & fed (see what I did there? see that?), even if it means flustered new mom syndrome and strangers feeling awkward. Sorry, not sorry.

Please Stop TIME

Today I brought dinner to a friend that has a two-week-old baby. She is soooo tiny. It made me realize how much Annie has grown and it simultaneously made me both so happy and so sad at the same time.

I can hardly believe these pictures are all of our Annie.

I can't get enough snuggles with her lately. I want her to be independent, have secure attachment, and confident, so we've been sleeping her in her own crib. She has been doing so well. She is getting better and better at going to sleep without us rocking her and even depends on the pacifier less and less. She sleeps through the night, and sometimes in the morning, I will walk into her room at 6:00 am (because I'm full and need to feed) just to see if she is awake. Often she is awake, happy and looking around. When she sees me, she will often smile big as if to say, "Good Morning, Mom!" She feeds really well lately and just goes to town. I know there will be many moments where I will wish her to be more independent, but I already feel like she is growing up and it makes me both happy and sad, like I want to tell time to slow down because I can't get enough of how she is right now. The complexity of motherhood.

The other night my thoughts were consumed with the idea of something bad happening to her. I started to cry and realized that loving someone this much means such an added level of vulnerability. I've never felt so vulnerable! I cried to Samuel about it and he said, "Do you love me this much?" And then I cried about something bad happening to him, too. (HAHA!)

Every night I go to bed praying that Heavenly Father will watch over our little angel-on-earth. Every morning I am amazed and grateful for another day with such a perfect human, and to witness the miracle of her learning about the world around her. I love to hold her little hands and stare at her chubby feet. I love to hear her cooing and see all of her crazy expressions. I love love love her sweet little smile and it makes it all worth it.