On Resilience

We had stake conference today and yesterday and had Lynn G. Robbins come and speak to us. I wasn't feeling good on Saturday night when adult session started, and as I was driving over (Samuel was watching the kids, who also weren't quite feeling great yet), I started to feel like people would judge me for going because I was obviously sick. Then I felt, "Your spirit is sick. You need to go." 

I felt the Spirit so much during the broadcast and want to record some of the things he shared as well as my thoughts. Everything he said was just what I needed to hear. 

He talked about distractions, and how we need to give the Lord "the firstlings of our time." He talked about simplicity and how we unnecessarily complicate our lives with distractions (books, iTunes, amazon, podcasts, ted talks, social media, etc). He talked about how simplifying our lives relates to financial security. He said the #1 financial principle he saw in his work was to believe that "I have sufficient for my needs." The more we consume, the more life we are trading. It doesn't matter how much money you make, if we don't curb our desire for MORE, we won't have enough. There is never enough for the natural man. Once you free yourself from wanting more, more, more, you free your mind and open it up to creativity. I loved that thought. He said the opposite to that thought is "I can buy anything in this world with money." He talked about how there is a burden to ownership and we have to ask ourselves, is it worth it to own it or can we just rent? Few rich men own their things, their things own them. Satan wants us to accumulate things because he knows they will take up our time. He doesn't want money, he wants our time. 

Then he talked about resiliency. He said that something is happening with the youth. We are raising youth that are not as resilient. People are coming home from missions because they don't have the resiliency to deal with hard challenges. He prompted us to think about three questions:

What did your parents do to raise you to be resilient?

What am I doing to raise my children to be resilient?

What is Heavenly Father doing to raise me to be resilient? 

He opened up to the audience and had people share their ideas, and then expounded on them. He talked about the value of work, and of not making life easier for your kids. Don't be a "snowplow parent" (an especially apt analogy for where we live, haha). Don't prepare the road for your child, prepare your child for the road. Try to have a balance between charity and self reliance. Too much of charity leads to the Santa Claus syndrome and entitlement but too much of self reliance leads to Scrooge syndrome, with negativity and isolation. He talked about Helen Keller and having high expectations for your kids, even those with disabilities. Stand by them, but don't shield them from life's challenges. How were the early saints resilient? Connect your children to a "family narrative" of resilience. He talked about trusting our kids with responsibilities like letting a one year old hold a spoon, even though it means there will be a radius of mess around them. Have faith and patience to let them learn skills and make mistakes. Lastly, love them. Make your home a safe place for making mistakes. He said we have more control over our emotions than we think we do. We choose to be angry. Choose to never do anything to make your home anything but a safety net for your kids to learn. Remember that the Savior was the perfect example of resilience when He performed the Atonement. "Our success in life is going from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm." View obstacles as stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks. 

I really loved these thoughts. It has made me think about my own resilience. Do I run from challenges? I think my natural instinct if something is hard is to want to run away or give up. Raising a family here has been difficult this year and so many times, I have felt negative or frustrated. But I can look at the positive - I am raising hardy children! They are doing hard things, and so am I. Instead of viewing the challenges in my marriage as hard things I hate, I can view them as stepping stones and avenues for growth. I can teach my children to be resilient, to try again when they have a struggle. I think my Heavenly Father does not shield me from hard things, but instead is ready and waiting for me when I come to Him. He doesn't always make my path easier, but He does at times help me have experiences that are lights on my path. 

On Negative Thinking

A few months ago, a friend of mine reached out to a bunch of us to practice doing some family life coaching for her program. I started to meet with her because free counseling! why not. I basically word-vomited to her about all the challenges I have. She was a good listener and offered me resources, letting me guide what goals I wanted to set. We started talking about negative thinking and about how to replace extreme, negative thoughts with more realistic ones. She gave me several resources to work on my thinking.

Later that week, I went skiing up at the ski resort. It had dumped two or three feet of snow, but I went later in the day when it had warmed up. The trails were bumpy with lots of melted, heavy snow. It was very difficult for me to ski down the mountain. I started to feel frustrated (fueled by my other frustrations with living in such a wintery climate) and my mind was flooded with thoughts like, "I'll never like skiing. Why am I lying to myself? I hate skiing. I'll never be good. I'll never fit in in this mountain town of skiers. I'm so tired." For the first time I think in the history of time for me, I recognized those thoughts as being kind of extreme. I tried to replace them with other thoughts like, "It's been a rough day. I'm tired and I didn't get enough sleep last night. These conditions are hard to ski in. I am not loving it today, but maybe I'll try next week and maybe I'll like skiing next time." Immediately, I noticed a difference in how I felt, and also noticed how if I had allowed myself to go down that spiral of negative thinking, it would have affected the trajectory of my entire day! I would have come home grumpy, with a negative (and unrealistic) outlook on life here. It would have probably affected my kids and my husband as well. Instead, I came home still not in the best mood, but not in a super negative mood either.

Fast forward to a week later. It's Friday again! Samuel is prodding me to go downhill skiing again. It's a sunny day, and frankly, I don't want to go. But I also know I need the alone time so I'll take him up on it. I get to the mountain and it's a sunny, beautiful day. The skis are blue. I feel confident and well-rested. I feel competent and I ski down every run on that side of the mountain in record time! The runs are smooth and I am fast. It's pure bliss! I have these thoughts like, "This is amazing! This is the most fun I've had in a long time!!" I loved it. And it hit me hard - what if I had let my negative thinking keep me from trying again? I realized that, if we allow ourselves to think negatively, it's not only completely unrealistic (I do like skiing! ha) but it also affects everything. It limits us. It makes us live by our fears instead of with light and optimism.

Another experience around the same time - I'm visiting a friend of mine, Karin, who has multiple sclerosis. She is an amazing example of faith, optimism, and genuineness. She is one of those people that I can truly be myself around. I went to her house and I guess I was in a "down" mood. I start talking to her about my feelings about being released from my calling in young womens, suddenly and abruptly. I started to talk about my negative feelings about myself and about the president because of the release (I know, I shouldn't have and I usually avoid that but with her, I sometimes let my guard down!) She called me out and said how she has noticed that I struggle with thinking negatively, just like her. She pulled up an app that she uses to try to think more positively and said that she struggles with the same thing. Her comment initially stung, I'll be honest. But I value her opinion and friendship so much, and already had been having these other experiences about it that it was another flag to me that I should work on it!

Third experience - Samuel and I were out on a family outing going cross-country skiing. In the beginning of the ski, we get in a disagreement (I can't remember what about but probably something menial). He skis off pulling the kids (or maybe I slow down...or maybe a combination) but somehow I'm left by myself on our "family outing." I start to feel bitter and frustrated with the same problems we have dealt with many times. I started to feel negative thoughts creep in, "We'll never get this worked out. How are we ever going to overcome these major problems in our relationships? This is so great - I'm skiing by myself on a family outing...how could he leave me behind??" Then I noticed them. I tried really hard (this is not easy for me) to replace them with more positive and realistic thoughts. "We had a disagreement. There are lots of things I like about Samuel. He's a hard worker. He's a wonderful father. He has a good heart and is very kind. He has similar goals to me. We can work it out and this is just a bump in the road." Honestly, I still wasn't really believing those thoughts, but at least they kept me from blurting something hurtful out to him when he did actually slow down and apologize to me. The rest of the family outing was fun and a wonderful time of bonding together. I realized, again, that if I had allowed myself to think negatively, it would have affected our time together, it would have made me feel negative and unforgiving. It would also have affected our children!

I have started to notice more and more how these thoughts creep in. It's been a hard realization, and it's difficult for me to overcome them sometimes. (Why is it easier to sometimes believe these unrealistic, negative thoughts?) But I'm growing in self-awareness which is a huge step for me!