A snapshot of Annie on 12.13.17

I sure adore this little babe of mine. I count myself blessed and lucky to spend my days with her. There is no one I'd rather devote 24/7 to! It has been such a joy to witness all the different stages and changes. Today I was thinking that I haven't been very good at recording things, so I thought I'd take a minute to record how she is today, in this moment!

Annalise

• Loves to be where the people/action is. Likes to be entertained and around people. Will play independently for a bit at my feet at church, but doesn't seem to like playing on the ground at home when I'm cooking and such (she's further away from me)
• Cries when I leave the room to go to the bathroom or go get something
• Cries when daddy leaves especially and loves to play with his lanyard or tie
• Still sleeping through the night like a champ. Usually somewhere between 6:30/7 until 6:30/7 am.
• Not a good napper. I tried to stretch her to two naps a day and that just didn't work. She was inconsolable and wouldn't go down for forever. Still taking three naps a day that are somewhere between 30 min-1 hr in length.
• Prefers standing or sitting up. Not a fan of tummy time, nor does she show any interest in crawling. 
• Has two teethies that she got Thanksgiving weekend when we were in Utah. They are most definitely the cutest thing ever!
• Has tried eating peas and bananas. Likes to roll around the peas in her mouth with her tongue but hasn't quite figured out chewing and swallowing yet. Kicks her feet in delight when we put her in the high chair and loves to eat! 
• Adores bath time in the sink. I don't do it in the tub because it hurts my back to bend over like that (how do moms do it?) Loves to kick and splash and suck on the bath toys we have and even doesn't mind getting water in her face when I wash her hair out. 
• Recently has graduated to sitting in the front of the cart at the grocery store instead of in her car seat and she couldn't be more. happy. about it. All smiles and happy kicking feet the whole time. I mean, a free ride around the store to see lots of differently-shaped and colorful things on the shelves? AWESOME! 
• Loves hikes and walks in the carrier. Usually looks around from the side of the carrier for the first little bit of the hike then falls asleep. I love to see her sleeping face and feel her heavy body when she's sleeping!
• Is starting to recognize and associate cause and effect. When we walk in her bedroom near her crib, she knows it's nap time, will put her head on my shoulder as if to say, "I'm sleepy!"
• Still loves to laugh and play at herself in the mirror!
• Is a squirmy, alive baby and wants to touch everything (but not interested in getting there herself yet! Haha)
• Spends our drives around town looking out the window in wonder at the trees and sites as we drive. 
• Is an observer. Often will look around at people and watch what they are doing. Has always been very alert.
• Still struggles with acid reflux. A few days ago she spit up A TON! I think it might have been something I ate (sugar? chocolate?) Hadn't been spitting up for a while before that. 
• Thinks I am pretty funny when I make goofy faces or sounds and chuckles. 
• Still putting everything and anything in her mouth!
• Can roll around and scoot her way around but doesn't do it when I'm watching :)
• Sleeps pretty well in her car seat at church still.
• Loves kids and things they are funny and fun!

Can you tell she loves to eat eat eat?

Love her blue eyes and chubby belly and...well, everything about her!! 

And they say you can't contain babies... :)

Special delivery!!

Me and my favorite hiking buddy today on our walk around town!

Annalise at 5.25 months, ish

This past week Annalise has seemed to change sooooo much. She transitioned out of the swaddle to sleeping arms out, is now holding herself up for a lot longer when she is on her tummy and moving her bum and legs in pre-crawling positions, cries and asserts herself wayyyy more than she ever has, and grabs for food like she's going to start eating solids whether I like it or not. She's ready for solids but I am waiting for a book to arrive to read real quick so I know what I'm doing. Haha. 

Lately I've felt like I just can't keep up with the changes! It is a glorious and exciting and happy feeling to have. It is so exciting to watch her change and grow and develop. 

Sitting up like a boss lately! (with some assistance still)

Arms out and lying on her side. All the heart eyes!

On equality & fairness

Today I've been reading about Jesus Christ in the topical guide. Yesterday I read about His role as the Creator, and today I'm reading about His Crucifixion.

I am 100% a believer that we should fight for the rights of others, for more equality, and for more kindness for all regardless, and sometimes especially because of, race, religion, etc. That is what Christ would do, and that is what we should do.

But as I contemplate on the dynamics and atmosphere of our political/social environment, I can't help but think about how Satan plays a role in all of this. He tells us that we deserve equality and that we should fight for that. He teaches us to be defensive, divisive, entitled, contentious, and he causes arguments to become violent. He tells us that we deserve these things because of who we are. He takes the true principle of kindness, love, and charity and twists it enough that we should fight to get it, which is completely perverse.

Let's talk about fairness and equality for a minute, and especially the means by which we go to to get it. There was nothing fair about the Crucifixion and Atonement of Christ. He is more intelligent than any of us-- in fact, He created us. He knows everything about us. And yet he was mocked, scourged, and crucified by those that He created. There is nothing fair about that.

True inequality comes from sin, from this fallen world, and from the conditions of this mortal life. Satan is the real enemy, and yet he uses the true principles of kindness, charity, and love for all ("equality") as a motivation to be divisive, entitled, and contentious in our political and social environments. Life isn't fair. And why isn't it fair? Because of sin. Sin is the great source of inequality, which is within us. So many times we fight sin with sin-- inequality with inequality. When the true answer is Christ. What would He do?

We should seek to be like Christ-- to be kind, loving, charitable-- not because life is fair or equal, but because the purpose of this life is to become like Christ. We should seek to be those things even when it's not fair, or even when it isn't justified.

There was nothing equal or fair about Christ's sacrifice, and yet His sacrifice makes everything fair in the end when we choose to believe in Him and become like Him.

my breast efforts as a new mom

I took this picture because I wanted to remember what I spend a large portion of my life doing right now (and also because I had fixed my hair, let's be honest here).

Right now Annie is almost 3 1/2 months ish, and I'm still up at 4:30 am with full breasts, waiting for her to wake up. So, I blog! This girl loves to sleep! A wonderful problem to have as a new mom, but not without its challenges. I knew that the first 10 days/2 months of breastfeeding have its challenges, some worse for some women than for others, but I didn't know much else about after that. I read online (which I'm trying to do less of actually, never a good habit) that a large percentage of women quit breastfeeding after the first two months or so. I was surprised by this statistic initially, not so much anymore now that I have been there. I mean, who would have thought I'd be waking up still earlier than the baby, full and pain?

[I think she must have had a growth spurt or something because she fed every two hours one day last week and it increased my supply. Then the next few days all she has wanted to do is sleep (3 hour stretches between feedings). It has thrown my body for a loop. But even before that, I woke up one morning with clogged ducts for no apparent reason that eventually led to killer mastitis while Samuel was out of town.]

And let's talk about breastfeeding in public. We still struggle, and I'm not sure why, to be honest. She is getting bigger and latches really easily when we feed at home in our predictable setting. But when we get out in public, she doesn't feed as long, unlatches, cries, and sometimes spits up more due to difficulties feeding. And I feel flustered and everyone around me feels it.

Ads for nursing covers make me laugh. They could not be further from reality in my situation. They paint a picture of a mom that can nurse anywhere, in any position, happily with perfect hair, completely covered with nothing exposed, with a happy baby. In reality, my experience is as follows: carrying all my "props" (pillow, footstool, burp rag) to wherever I am and a baby who is hungry, trying to maneuver a baby, my clothing, and a nursing cover (sometimes stretchy that gets snagged on baby's head as they flail about) all why frankly failing at keeping myself unexposed to the world. There is milk leaking, babies crying, hair in my face, back fat exposed, nipple exposed, flustered expressions, and aching back/neck/shoulders from all the trying to keep the baby in the right position. It's a hot. mess. Sometimes I look at other new moms, and it seems to be so seamless for them. Babies latch quietly in any position and any time, no exposure happens, and they seem calm and collected. But for me, that has never happened.

I've stopped using a nursing cover. If someone is going to be turned on by me breastfeeding my child, they have bigger problems they're facing in life. Also, people expose more of themselves by choice (immodesty) than I do by necessity, so...that's my justification. It's only awkward around people I know, and in that case only because I feel like I make them feel awkward. I couldn't care less around strangers.

And let's just talk a little about nursing lounges. Ours was obviously designed by a man, bless his heart. No footstools (the key to good nursing per my lactation specialist), outdated armchairs that don't rock back, arms on chair too far apart, baby kicking herself off the breast by kicking the arms of the chair, don't fit the poppy that someone donated...it's a mess. Also, if there are other moms in their, I constantly feel like I'm being judged because the babe doesn't stay latched, starts crying, and I become flustered. Not to mention they always want to chat it up, and me and my baby are just like, "LET ME FEED IN PEACE." So basically I avoid any times that there are lots of people in there and just pray that I don't have to share the room with five billion moms.

One more rant- why are there not more nursing-friendly locations in public? Bathrooms without a changing table or chairs to nurse? Airports don't have them either? It's like, common guys, I am raising a human here that will contribute to society, and you're not making this very easy. Also- nursing clothes! There should be more nursing-friendly dresses, tops, etc that aren't weird and so expensive. What's up with that.

----------------------------------------------

So now let's talk about the positives of breastfeeding in my experience. Lately, Annalise has started unlatching mid-feeding to look up at me. She cuddles up next to me, looks so happy and content, and will just look up at me and smile (obviously when I'm feeding at home, mind you). It melts my heart to a whole new level. Her smile is so contented and it fills my heart every time. It is unlike any other feeling I have experienced, to have my baby cuddled up next to me and to be happy and full. Those moments make it all worth it. I love breastfeeding for that reason. It has really helped me bond with my baby in ways I can't really describe but find incredibly fulfilling. Also. Her little hands hugging me or moving while she feeds? More adorable than anything I've ever ever seen.

[Side note, it's pretty convenient to be able to go anywhere and know that I could give my baby her meal just by my presence (in theory - I mean, gotta have all my props and such but...in theory). It's cheap, too, and keeps me semi-motivated to eat healthily because she will get whatever I put in there. Of course, sometimes I'm like, give me my ice cream, but more often than not I try to focus on getting those fruits and veggies in.]

So I'll keep trying my breast to keep her happy & fed (see what I did there? see that?), even if it means flustered new mom syndrome and strangers feeling awkward. Sorry, not sorry.

Please Stop TIME

Today I brought dinner to a friend that has a two-week-old baby. She is soooo tiny. It made me realize how much Annie has grown and it simultaneously made me both so happy and so sad at the same time.

I can hardly believe these pictures are all of our Annie.

I can't get enough snuggles with her lately. I want her to be independent, have secure attachment, and confident, so we've been sleeping her in her own crib. She has been doing so well. She is getting better and better at going to sleep without us rocking her and even depends on the pacifier less and less. She sleeps through the night, and sometimes in the morning, I will walk into her room at 6:00 am (because I'm full and need to feed) just to see if she is awake. Often she is awake, happy and looking around. When she sees me, she will often smile big as if to say, "Good Morning, Mom!" She feeds really well lately and just goes to town. I know there will be many moments where I will wish her to be more independent, but I already feel like she is growing up and it makes me both happy and sad, like I want to tell time to slow down because I can't get enough of how she is right now. The complexity of motherhood.

The other night my thoughts were consumed with the idea of something bad happening to her. I started to cry and realized that loving someone this much means such an added level of vulnerability. I've never felt so vulnerable! I cried to Samuel about it and he said, "Do you love me this much?" And then I cried about something bad happening to him, too. (HAHA!)

Every night I go to bed praying that Heavenly Father will watch over our little angel-on-earth. Every morning I am amazed and grateful for another day with such a perfect human, and to witness the miracle of her learning about the world around her. I love to hold her little hands and stare at her chubby feet. I love to hear her cooing and see all of her crazy expressions. I love love love her sweet little smile and it makes it all worth it.

On Raising Children

Annalise slept through the night three nights ago, and ever since then has been sleeping longer and longer stretches at night. Right now, it's 5:27 am and I've been writhing in pain for an hour, a problem most moms would die to have at 7.5 weeks postpartum. Blogging is my outlet for distracting myself from the pain in the meantime. Because, NEEDLES IN MY CHEST.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A few days ago we had a favorite neighbor couple of ours, Lindy & Rob, come over to play games. They are both 75 years old. Rob reminds me of my Grandpa Ephraim (who I miss so much and think about all the time still) and Lindy is just a bubbling, unassuming, mothering type of figure. Samuel & I both love them. We were discussing parenthood as our babe's cries frequently interrupted our game of Pegs & Jokers (look it up, such a fun game that we only occasionally beat them at). Lindy was saying how, in her day, the "go-to book" for parenthood suggested taking the pacifier away at 3 months, and then the blanket away at 6 months, or something like that. Everyone did this with their kids. We laughed about how they used one of their child's blankets to move the fridge and then couldn't get it out. A scrap of blanket protruded from under the fridge, and they would often find their baby crawled up on the floor clinging to that last scrap of blanket with her thumb in her mouth asleep.

This book/theories were later proven to cause kids to become neurotic, although their kids turned out fine.

On a similar vein, my mother-in-law came to visit a week ago and we soon found out that the books I have read/theories on parenthood that I'm allowing to guide the millions of decisions I make every day with my baby are different than the way she did things.

"If the baby isn't sleeping well at night, keep her up during the day," she said.
My book says, "Sleep begets sleep, so help the baby to take good naps and she will sleep better at night."

"If the baby cries, nurse her/him." 
My book says, "Figure out why the baby is crying. Help them learn at an early age to put themselves to sleep by following a cycle of eat, awake time, sleep."

"Don't introduce a pacifier until later on or it could cause nipple confusion."
"Well I introduced a pacifier at 2 days and my baby was fine!" some people say.

"In my day, we nursed the baby to sleep when they needed to nap during the day or night."
"I break the nurse time up with the sleep time with a period of wake time."

Per recommendation of multiple friends, I read the book On Becoming Babywise when I was pregnant. It seems to be the "go-to book" of our generation (although I think it was actually written in the 80's?) Without going into too much detail, it's about understanding your baby's cries, and helping them establish a flexible schedule of eating-waking-sleeping so that they can sleep well and learn to self-soothe.

When I met with our lactation specialist early on, I mentioned I was reading Babywise and she responded with, "I hate Babywise" and then continued to label me as a "Type A personality." She then assumed I wanted to do all these calculations to determine how much food my baby needed, etc. Later on she told me she breastfed her babies until age 2 and co-slept. I don't want to cosleep because I'm pretty sure I would be paranoid about me rolling over the baby at night.

My point is, there are a billion ways to raise kids. And what works for some may not work for others. And we are all such different people that we will all mother differently. And that is fine. Luckily humans are resilient and most babies turn out fine. Or at least I'm hoping.

And what this means is to give each other (and ourselves) a break when it comes to mothering nuances. There are billion questions a day to answer as a mother, most of which I don't know the answer to, and to which the answer probably doesn't matter anyway.

Growth Spurts

If you look up baby growth spurts on google it says the following:

"Common times for growth spurts are during the first few days at home and around 7-10 days, 2-3 weeks, 4-6 weeks, 3 months, 4 months, 6 months and 9 months(more or less)." 

In other words, they occur ALL THE TIME. Don't worry, you may get a 2-3 day break during which you'll declare your baby is finally "normal." It's a great definition, but I feel it needs the following amendments:

• occur when mothers verbalize the following statements:
• "I'm doing well!"
• "I'm finally getting the hang of this motherhood thing."
• "The baby's schedule is starting to get a little more regular."
• "She's a great baby."
• "Yeah, babe, you can go out for a dude's night tonight."
• simultaneously occurs the one night in the week that Dad isn't home
• spontaneously end when Dad comes home
• single-handedly responsible for why new mothers' resolve to stop eating chocolate/desserts crumbles
• responsible for why babies wake up 2 lbs heavier than when they went to bed the night before

We had a few days of consistency and then yesterday she was fussy all day. It's like she's a human and not a robot or something! Last night, Samuel had mutual (he is young men's president) and the last time he did, I had a total meltdown from having to go in every five seconds to calm, rock, or binkie (verb for putting binkie in the baby's mouth) the babe. I am proud of myself that last night, I was able to be patient and not get frustrated by the whole process. GO ME! Although when he came home, I declared, "I'm taking tomorrow night off!" and collapsed on the couch.

May is my favorite month.

I've decided that May is my favorite month. McCall comes alive as the snow all melts (except this year it snowed 3 inches on May 17! So crazy..but it all melted quickly). The weather is 70's and the flowers start blooming. But not only that, these are a few others reasons why I love May so much:

1. Outdoor Adventures & Sunshine

Annalise and I on our first solo longer hike! She slept like a champ the whole way & was all smiles after.

 2. Mother's Day

Samuel made me breakfast in bed/in nursing chair and snapped this photo that I love.

3. Lots of these moments:

Annie's first chariot bike ride :)

4. Our Anniversary

We took a cruise on the lake this year to celebrate our first anniversary. It was delightful and beautiful! 

5. My Birthday

Family Bike ride to the lake

Kayaking while a friend watched Annalise- our first date since baby was born! SO FUN!

Picnic on the beach as a family

And last but not least - APPLE CRISP! My favorite dessert. :) Samuel spoiled me!

Annalise's Baby Blessing- May 28, 2017

Enjoying some huckleberry ice cream with Martha & family!

Samuel did a great job with Annalise's baby blessing. He put a lot of preparation into it! I really felt the Spirit and it was such a special experience. 

My friend Maranda crocheted this beautiful blessing gown & bonnet for Annalise! It was SO CUTE.

Here is the master crafter herself! She drove overnight to come to the blessing.

You can kind of see the detail on the dress here. She used an off white thread as well as white .

Samuel's parents drove all the way from southern Colorado to be here for the blessing, a 13 + hour trip! She is lucky to have supportive grandparents.

Here is the whole group!

My old roommates, Ronnie, Kasia, and Nicole all surprised me by coming to the blessing. Bethany, my adventure partner and friend from Salt Lake, also surprised me by hopping in Nicole's car. It was so fun to have them all here!

Maranda's husband/my friend Jon also came and we took them to Pancake House for the iconic cinnamon roll. YUM

We spent the Monday following the blessing adventuring. Here we are at Ponderosa look out

So lucky to have such awesome friends!

Bethany snapped this photo of me and Annalise after I fed her. Look closely; there is spit up coming out in this exact moment! Ha!

baby rolls & smiles at six weeks

I woke up today and my baby had rolls and was full of smiles. Her smiles lately are coming more frequently and bring me to tears sometimes (of happiness!) I'm so happy when she is happy. Those moments are like tender mercies when I feel like I'm doing an okay job as a mother (although I'm fully aware that children being happy/unhappy is not always an indicator of success as a parent, so maybe I should reframe that). Nonetheless, they are sweet moments.

My view 

Ball of cuteness, right there

Superbaby!

She loves to suck on her hands these days. Also, her thigh rolls get me every time.

And sticking out her little tongue :)

 I want to capture my mornings with her. My bed head, lack of makeup, and tired eyes but time with just me and her that I've really just come to love. She is pretty smiley in the morning, usually wakes up wriggling and alive and wanting food NOW. I love her little hands that curl around her face or pull on my shirt as she is feeding, all the squeaks and snorts that she makes, and her body snuggled up next to mine, feet kicking or bent up all baby-like.

Her face in this one makes me laugh.

I've been getting out more lately and it is refreshing. I took her on a hike the other day for an hour and she slept the whole time in the carrier. There were lots of hills and it felt good to get my heart rate up somewhat. Yesterday I went running for the first time and my pace was so slow, I might as well be pregnant again. My hips, knees, and back also hurt so I only ran 1.5 miles. It was nice to smell the fresh air and have some "me time," though. Something I'm going to take everyday. The doctor cleared me for exercise but he hasn't actually checked to see if everything is healed...so I'm still hesitant to do anything intense.

We've been going on more outings like visits (I'm in the relief society presidency- church organization for women), hikes, grocery store trips, rides, bike rides, etc. Annalise is getting used to sleeping in the car seat, carrier, and bike chariot and does a pretty good job. We are traveling to Chicago soon for my bestie's wedding. I was initially worried about the trip but not so much anymore. Nursing in public was a struggle until I problem-solved with positioning and coverage and now it is getting a lot better.

Annalise still spits up a bit but it's gotten so much better, so that is nice (knock on wood). Her normal sleep schedule is sleeping from 7 or 8 pm until 3 or 4 am, and then waking up again between 6 and 8 am. We recently moved her into her crib room and us back into our bedroom across the house with a monitor that sounds when she cries loudly. I have slept so much better, only waking up to the monitor instead of to EVERY sound she makes (which is a lot including grunts, whimpers, squeaks, coughs, etc). She seems to wake up happy, so I don't think I'm traumatizing her too much by moving across the house. Although sometimes I catch myself half-asleep muttering to Samuel or to myself, "Is she okay? Is she crying?"