The compassions of the Lord

Lamentations 3:22-25

 22 It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

25 The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord. 

I love Jeremiah’s faith. The first several verses describe his trials and challenges and his feeling forgotten of the Lord. But I love his declaration of faith, especially that the Lord’s tender mercies or “compassions” are “new every day.” No matter the day, no matter how crappy the night (I slept very poorly last night), there are always new compassions to discover every day! What are the compassions I have seen this morning? 

Heidi! Her sweet, happy, patient personality. Heavenly Father knew I needed Heidi when she joined our family. She brings so much light and happiness to my life daily in her unique role she fills in my family. Her excitement for life, her kindness and gentle nature towards her sister, her resilience. I love watching her grow and learn each day! 

Clara! Her hugs, her little arms reaching up around and for my hair, the rhythmic sucking her thumb, her fire and tenacity and determination. She makes me smile daily. She's my little miracle baby and brings laughter and joy and healing to all of us. 

Annie! Her dramatic humor, her unwavering love for her mama, her excitement at stargazing at 5:00 am! Her creativity, her independent and internally-driven spirit! I love being her mom and seeing who she is becoming each day!

Beautiful fall sunshine and mountains and ponderosa trees. I consider it a tender mercy that God placed me in a location that has offered so much peace and joy through all of my trials. I could probably make it in a city, but every time I take in the wonder of the tall ponderosa pines, I feel like God is giving me a little gift to get me threw life’s challenges! He knew me and He knew what would ground me and bring me peace in challenging times. I didn’t even know about McCall before I came here but He did and He knew me.

A supportive husband! He’s not perfect by any means but he is a good, good man at his core. He recently sought out a marriage course and watches it weekly on his own and tries to implement what he has learned and taken notes on. He inspires me and supports me and is in many ways is a balance to my strengths and weaknesses. 

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I’ve been reflecting recently on the past year which has been the most difficult of my life. He hasn’t taken away my challenges, but God has taken care of me and held my hand threw them. I see His hand, His love and His support in people He has put in my life! 

There’s Kelli, my old mission companion who happened to reconnect with me, who also has long haul Covid, and has been a huge support emotionally to me. It’s been huge to be able to talk to someone that truly understands on some level. Not a coincidence.

There’s Kim, another mission companion who reached out to me after six years of not talking at all and who’s jovial laugh, humor, and spiritual insights she has shared with me have buoyed me up spiritually and made me not feel so alone spiritually as everyone else my age seems to be blaring their exodus from the church on the internet. Not a coincidence. 

There’s Wendy, a friend who stepped in and took care of my kids (who aren’t even related to her) and meals and cleaning for a week straight and helped me recover more than I have in months. She didn't have to do that, but she gave me the opportunity to say YES to someone else helping me (sometime really difficult for me). Not a coincidence. 

There’s Lisa, my ministering sister who has showed true concern and care as well as tangible help with my kids and with designing the ADU with her interior design expertise. She’s told me she wants to be like my older sister in town and listened to my parenting concerns and given me advice and faith-filled words. Not a coincidence. 

There’s Nancy, the best counselor/therapist that offers spiritual encouragement and concrete support through what has been the most difficult two years of my life! She helped me process the ups and downs of having a baby with a chronic illness (that had thankfully been healed now), the challenges of dealing with that while also being pregnant in the winter, then handling the stress of my own chronic illness and the stresses of our marriage. She’s told me in full faith that I am “meant for this challenge” and that I can handle it. That God hasn’t forgotten me and helped me see how. She’s helped our marriage become stronger. She basically fell out of sky to our aid and has been a huge support. Not a coincidence. 

There’s Kate, another very random friendship that formed but was just what I needed. A loyal friend who has been a sounding board, a compassionate listener, a walking buddy. Not a coincidence. 

I know that, as Jeremiah states, the Lord is good to them that wait on Him. I see His goodness towards me even in the midst of the hardships of life. 

Recent thoughts on Job

 Lately, I admit I've been feeling a bit forgotten of the Lord. I've been dealing with a multitude of health problems, at times that are debilitating and very difficult to deal with physically. It's taken its toll emotionally to not be able to do what I love to do, to hike mountains, to take my kids on grand adventures (without a price) and to have to deal with the life-changing effects of any chronic health issues. It some of my dark moments, I have prayed that I'll be able to feel of His presence, that I would be able to know that He is there for me. I admit that I've been disappointed as I haven't had some grand experience despite fervent prayers. I thought maybe He has forgotten me or that He isn't aware of me. I've even kind of closed my heart off to it.

Then I started to read our Come Follow Me lesson for this week. It was about Job. I happened to contract Covid for the fourth time this week, and had a huge flare-up of all my debilitating symptoms. I don't think it was a coincidence. I am no where near Job's condition, but his example to me has been eye-opening and was just what I have needed to read. I don't think it's a coincidence. I've realized that if I want God to speak to me, I've got to give Him time and space and means to do so. I've got to read His word. As I've done that, my heart has been touched with understanding, my mind has been enlightened, and I've felt His loving and comforting hand break open my disappointed and hardened heart. It has strengthened my resolve to trust in Him despite my not understanding, to trust in myself and my own experience despite others not understanding or believing me, and to humble myself to the dust and endure whatever experiences mortality has in store for me. 

I love Job's example of enduring many trials and choosing to recognize his own lack of understanding (and also recognize his own feelings of being forgotten) while also choosing to trust in the Savior. I love his attitude in standing up to others who seek to judge him and label him. I was humbled to read what God says to Job about His omniscience and His power and it made me think, like Job, who am I to judge His timing? Why would I counsel the Lord? He knows way more than me.  

I love these quotes from CFM about hope, something I've struggled to have after getting lots of blessings about healing and still not seeing them come to fruition. 

Hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ (Nov 1998)

"Life's disappointments often respresent the debris of our failed, proximate hopes. Instead, however, I speak of the crucial need for ultimate hope. Ultimate hope is a different matter. It is tied to Jesus and the blessings of the great Atonement, blessings resulting in the universal Resurrection and the precious opportunity provided thereby for us to practice emancipating repentance, making possible what the scriptures call a 'perfect brightness of hope.'" 

"Real hope, therefore is not associated with things mercurial, but rather with things immortal and eternal!"

"Real hope is much moor than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. Hope is serene, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. Hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of a determination -- not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to 'endure...well' to the end."

"Indeed, when we are unduly impatient with an omniscience God's timing, we really are suggesting that we know what is best. Strange, isn't it -- we who wear wristwatches seek to counsel Him who oversees cosmic clocks and calendars."

"Granted, those with true hope still see their personal circumstances shaken at times -- like a kaleidoscope. Yet with the 'eye of faith,' even in their changed proximate circumstances, they still see divine design."

Consistent and Resilient Trust (Oct 2019)

"Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.' President Nelson taught, 'The joy the Savior offers [us]...is constant, assuring us that our afflictions shall be but a small moment' and be consecrated to our gain. Our trials and afflictions can make space for greater joy." 

I love the idea that sorrow can help us comprehend and "make space for" greater joy!

"As difficult as it is to understand, especially at the times in our lives when the headwinds are strong and the seas are turbulent, we can take comfort in knowing that God in His infinite goodness is always blowing us toward home." 

"Trusting in the Lord includes trusting in His timing and  requires patience and endurance that outlast the storms of life."

"If we are faithful in keeping our covenants, we too will one day arrive safely home and will bow before the Lord and shed tears of joy for multitude of His tender mercies in our lives, including the sorrows that made space for more joy."

On Spiritual Entitelment & Dealing with Trials

 I remember a particularly poignant experience on my mission in Taiwan. It was my third transfer, and I had worked tirelessly to teach and help a particular investigator who we had found ourselves. I had worked to teach her, build a relationship with her, pray for her, and help her in every way possible until one day, she stopped answering our phone calls and cut us off. I was devastated. We had not seen any baptisms up until this point on my mission, I was in a foreign land working my tail off learning a foreign language, sweating up and down the streets, and I was left feeling like, "What is the point of all this work?" I collapsed in our front room floor bawling my eyes out, reeling from the rejection and despair. My companion, who was older and more experienced than me (and albeit pretty hardened and harsh) started yelling at me, "You're so prideful! You think you earn the success? You don't deserve to see anything in return for your work. You're here to serve the Lord and you're not entitled to anything!" Her response crushed me. I cried even more. But she could not have been any more right in her response (although her delivery was not very kind). We ended up having a good relationship because she loved to cook and I loved to eat. 28 meals later, we had a great relationship despite her rebuke.

But her words have always stayed with me, especially during challenging times. I came home from my mission and worked hard to find the "right one" but was for single for many years and had to go through so much heartache in the process. Why, when I've been righteous and tried to do what's right, was I not being blessed with an eternal marriage like so many others I saw? Why did I see others not obey the law of Chastity or the commandments that I had worked diligently to obey and yet they were being blessed in ways I wasn't?

Fast forward several years to now. I've lived my whole life trying to obey the word of wisdom, go to the temple, take care of my body as best I can, and yet I've struggled for eight months with unexplained, sometimes debilitating health issues (along with millions of others in the US also dealing with long haul Covid symptoms). Is this how I get blessed when I've tried so hard to take care of my body and value my health?

The faulty idea of feeling like we are entitled to blessings because of our obedience was perfectly articulated by Elder D. Todd Christofferson last general conference. I couldn't believe that someone was putting the thoughts I've been feeling for so long (and a tendency I've noticed in myself so often) into words as I listened. 

"It truly is folly for us with our mortal myopia to presume to judge God, to think, for example, 'I'm not happy, so God must be doing something wrong...Some misunderstand the promises of God to mean that obedience to Him yields specific outcomes on a fixed schedule. They might think, 'If I diligently serve a full-time mission, God will bless me with a happy marriage and children...' But things are not so mechanical in the divine economy. We ought not to think of God's plan as a cosmic vending machine where we select a desired blessing , insert the required sum of good works, and the order is promptly delivered...

It is essential that we honor and obey His laws, but not every blessing predicated on obedience to law is shaped, designed and timed according to our expectations. We do our best but must leave to Him the management of blessings, both temporal and spiritual." 

He goes on to say that the purpose of our faith should not be in outcomes, but in our knowledge of and relationship with Jesus Christ. We obey commandments not because we are gaining "righteous points" or earning blessings, but because doing so should change our natures and help us become more like Him, which process, Elder Christofferson states, can be "wrenching and painful at times." He advises, "So, in the midst of this refiner's fire, rather than get angry with God, get close to God. Call upon the Father in the name of the Son. Walk with Them in the Spirit, day by day. Allow Them over time to manifest Their fidelity to you. Come truly to Know Them and truly to know yourself. Let God prevail." 

These words speak right to my heart. I feel my heart soften as I read them. It can be so painful to face a challenge that guts you, confuses you, isolates you, and especially one that persists over time with very few answers or signs of lessening. I feel for anyone going through such a time. I love his advice to "get close to God, walk with Them day by day, and "allow Them over time to manifest Their fidelity to you." Those verbs denote patience and a slow process and an opening of our hearts to Them over time. They denote waiting upon the Lord and trusting in Him over time. They denote relying on Them each day. Then lastly his advice to, "Come truly to know Them and truly to know yourself." What have I learned about myself during this trial? Am I coming to know myself better? What do I see or understand that I didn't understand before? How am I coming to know the Savior? Be patient in the process. How have I seen His hand up until now? How do I want to see His hand more in the days to come, and how can those desires shape my prayers? 

I don't have all the answers, but these words and this advice calms my fears and helps me be patient in the process, and recognize that not all progress comes in the ways that I want it to. I've felt so frustrated today. I look around my house and see all the work I need and want to do - all the mess, all the chaos, all the disorganization. I don't have the energy to organize it like I want. I am sick of living day to day, doing the bare minimum because I don't have energy. I am sick of feeling like all I have energy for is reading books to my kids instead of doing more grand adventures with my kids like I want and crave. I am sick of the disappointment of not being able to exercise and get in shape like I want to because of all of the health challenges. I have felt like these things have hindered my progress. But I'm realizing that they haven't. What is more important than all of those things? Building my relationship with Christ and coming to know Him and myself. That is my top priority. It's more important than a clean house. It's more important than a fit body. It's more important than being the perfect mom. Progress may not come in the way that I want it to, but it's empowering to think that my setbacks don't have to define my progress. My frustrations melt away when I'm able to see that something more important can happen as I turn my heart to Him and trust in Him each day. And so for tomorrow, I'm choosing to trust in Him and give my will over to Him. 

On Loving God

 GC Talk “A might change of heart: I have nothing more to give you” Eduardo Gavarret 

How do we change our hearts? 

Study scriptures->seek knowledge->desire change->prayer and fasting->act->covenants 

I love the emphasis on study scriptures with the motivation and desire to gain knowledge of the Savior. How does our motivation affect scripture study? How does it affect our hearts? It has everything to do with my heart and the condition of our hearts. It is interesting that the condition of my heart can make a difference in whether I get anything out of the scriptures. It can make the difference in having “ears to hear and eyes to see” how the scriptures are applicable to me, what they truly mean. If I approach it without that desire, they fall flat and I can not apply them to myself. 

How do we know our heart is changing? 

We want to please God->treat others with love and respect->see the attributes of Christ developing in ourselves->feel guidance of Holy Ghost->keep the commandments better than before. 

Interesting that once our hearts change, we can change. Instead of focusing on the behavior I don’t like in myself/a weakness, I can focus on God and He can change me from the inside->out and I will develop His attributes. The last thing to change is the actions (keep commandments better). Change from the inside out instead of from the outside in. 

This is applicable to parenting. Don’t try to change my kids’ actions from the outside->in, try from the inside->out. When I punish without trying to understand what’s going on inside, the apologies will be empty and they will hit sister or do whatever again. Instead try to teach principles and help them become self aware so they can change themselves from the inside->out.

How do we maintain a mighty change of heart?

Partake of sacrament weekly->go to the temple->love and serve neighbors.

We gain POWER from our covenants (sacrament and temple). Power to change. Power to have hope and power to keep trying and persisting. Power of the Atonement. 

“This change of heart is not an event; it takes faith, repentance, and constant spiritual work to happen.”

Deut 8:11-17 we so often forget God in times of plenty. We attribute our success to ourselves when in actuality God is the one “who led thee through that great and terrible wilderness.” How often have I thought “I’m strong for getting through that trial. That was a hard time, I can’t believe I did it.” When in actuality I should be remembering that God was the One who got me through it. How has God led me through the wilderness of these sicknesses? Through Heidi’s sickness? Through the stress of marriage? Through the challenges of parenting? Am I attributing my successes to myself or to God? 

Deut 30:20 “That thou latest love the Lord they God and that thou mayest obey His voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto Him, for He is thy life, and the length of thy Days” 

I love this scripture. I think if I truly loved the Lord and cleaved unto Him (like I cleave unto some of my habits), I think I would have more power and strength to get through some of my challenges. What if I tried to make Him more the focal point of my thoughts and conversations as I’m sitting with my kids, as I’m on walks or hikes, as I’m lying in bed or when I wake up instead of defaulting to other mind numbing things on my phone? 

What I am learning

The past five months have been some of the most difficult of my life. It’s been incredibly isolating to deal with ongoing health problems that don’t ever fully go away, that doctors don’t understand and frankly turn away from because they don’t have answers, that many well meaning friends and family also look over because they also don’t understand and it doesn’t fit into a mold they’re familiar with (which I don’t fault anyone for doing). It’s incredibly frustrating, discouraging, and isolating. Not to mention completely exhausting, and a burden I have had to carry practically on my own. 

I’m trying to figure out what I’ve learned from it all. First thing is, 

1. Everyone is going through something hard, so give EVERYONE grace. When I feel tempted to feel hurt by a friend that didn’t reach out like I think she should, or said something callous, I try to remind myself, who knows what she is going through? Meet her where she’s at. Because most people don’t know what I have been going through. I have had to put on a smiling face and muscle my way through every day for five months and some days it’s overbearing and some days I can hide behind the face. And no one knows and no one gets it. Why would I expect them to understand? Maybe that friend you feel hurt by has her own hidden struggle behind closed doors. Some struggles are private. So give everyone grace and hope they do for you too.

2. I am the expert on my body. My dad taught me this one. I am the expert. Not the doctor. Not the nurse. Not the internet. Not science. I know what I am experiencing. My body is constantly giving me feedback. Listen to it, respond to the feedback, observe. Don’t judge and don’t try to diagnose too much. Don’t expect the doctors or nurses to make you better. They do their best but sometimes it is out of their realm. And when you get enough information, come back and give the doctors the data. Bodies are complicated. No one has all the answers. And while God does, and can do all things, sometimes you just have to live in ambiguity and except that. And confront the anxiety and depression that occasionally spills over from living in the gray for so long. Then when you’ve confronted the anxiety and depression, get up and keep plugging along. 

3. You are your own advocate. I went three weeks after entering the ER in excruciating pain before I got a follow up about an ultrasound. I had to call several times to even get that ultrasound. And then I had to drive five hours to get out the thing that sent me to the ER three weeks prior (and continued to cause ER level pain those three weeks waiting). Don’t expect anyone else to care about how much pain you are in unless you bother them enough. Sometimes you have to set up several appointments and cancel the ones that end up not working out. Do the work on your end to get your answers. Seek out the specialists and move on from the specialist that don’t work for you. Still trying to enact this one.

4. Priesthood blessings are real! I have gotten maybe fifteen in the past seven months. I have held on to the blessings promised in those blessings. I still hold on to those promises, despite not seeing them come to fruition yet. They provide me with an anchor to keep my hope up, and direction and guidance. 

5. Try to see the tender mercies. And try to reframe the mindset of “Why is God doing this to me? Why me?” To “this is a challenge of my generation and my time and just part of my personal journey”, and “How is God supporting me through this challenge?” I had to drive to Boise to get a cyst taken out last week. A friend of ours let us stay at their house for several days while they were out of town. The hospital happened to be right across the street from their house. I was supposed to go to Florida on a trip the same weekend I got the cyst out. I could feel really disappointed I wasn’t in Florida, or I could see what a blessing it is that Samuel already got this exact time off so work wouldn’t be too disrupted by all of this. The gynecologist could fit me in within two days of our meeting, and my photography session I had scheduled for the following weekend happened to be canceled. I happened to finish breastfeeding Clara the day I went into have the surgery done, so I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to feed the baby, what medications I would have to be on or whether it would affect baby, etc. A lot of people happened to text me and offer to bring over dinner, providing four course meals. We have so much food I have had to turn people down! Samuel has a lot of projects he can work on with the girls that have been building up. I’m trying to see the silver lining in this all, and to keep my hope up and be patient. It is hard most days. 

6. Go outside. No matter how I feel, spending time outside is healing to me. It grounds me. It helps me feel peace. It helps my heart heal even when my body won’t. It helps me feel of God’s love for me, even if it’s just sitting in a hammock. 

7. Seasons. I’m trying to do my best to accept the season I’m in. Even when it seems extra long, don’t compare to other people’s season. I would be so stoked to be out of the season of frozen pizza and showing TV to my kids because I’m too sick, but I’m not. And when it feels too much to see everyone else doing things you can’t physically do, shut out the voices for a while. 

8. Have Grace with your spouse as much as you can. When you go through a big trial (specially one that directly affects them!!) recognize that they have their own journey with this trial too. They are affected by it too and it’s their trial too, and sometimes harder when it’s because of you. Have Grace and be kind as much as you can

9. There is always good! Even on my hardest days, there are highlights. My kids still grow up when I’m sick. There is still so much to be grateful for and so much to find joy in even when I’m sick. Some days it’s hard to focus on the positive, but when you can it sure helps. And try not to mourn all that you can’t do for your kids. When mom is sick, they learn new skills too like how to help sister etc. 

Clara is ONE

 

HEIDI is THREE

 

February 22, 2022

 

Heidi’s Three Year Old Story

 

Heidi is such a delightful girl!! She is loving and nurturing. She carries along her “Maggie” baby doll wherever we go and sleeps with her cuddled in her arms. She brings toys to her baby sister Clara and loves her. She loves to play with her older sister Annie and goes along with all of her ideas and games. She is a Daddy’s girl and gets very excited when he is around to cuddle her. She often runs into my bedroom in the morning and cuddles with me in my bed quietly. She has done such an amazing job potty training the last couple of months. At first, she was nervous to go poopy in the potty but once she made up her mind that it would be slightly less traumatic than pooping in her pants, she never turned back! She requires little to no prompting to go potty and will just get up and go. She has even mastered pulling up and down her pants really well.

 

She has the sweetest voice! I love hearing her talk, and love hearing what she has to say. She loves to sing. The other day we went cross country skiing. We found a new pair for Annie and Heidi felt left out, so she found an old white pair that you stick onto your boots from the garage and those were her new cross-country skiis! She did the entire loop on those skiis without even one cry. She was often way out ahead of the group and insisted on being in front, and when I got closer I heard her singing the Christmas song with “Gloria” in it (I think it’s from “Angel’s we have heard on High”). She is a great helper and loves to help Mommy cook, snacking all along the way on cheese or whatever she can find, sitting on the counter top. 

 

She loves to go see the kitties at McPaws thrift store and seems to really love kitty cats. She has taken to sledding really well on the little hill in front of our house and often request going. Yesterday she tried to go by herself and carried her tubing sled all the way up the hill several times and back down. Mommy shoveled some stairs into a snow mound in front of our house as well as a little slide down and the other day, she went up the stairs and down the slide several times exclaiming, “This is fun!” She has made big strides in playing in the snow and walking in it, and doesn’t complain as much. 

 

She loves to read books and has a very long attention span for sitting during longer books. She especially likes the Bernstein Bears books and still loves her nursery rhymes book. She is easy going and gets along with everyone and often exclaims, “I like Everyone! I like Daddy, and Mommy, and Annie, and Clara!” She takes the same approach to food and says, “I like everything!” 

 

The things she plays with most lately is her baby stuff (bottles, etc) and also pushing around the little grocery cart she got for her birthday, collecting all sorts of things in the cart. She likes playing with people and often follows around the most interesting person in the house and likes to do what they are doing. She is still taking naps every day but fights them by saying, “But I’m awake!” when I say it’s nap time, but she has always napped anyways when she goes in there. She also likes to jump on our mini trampoline and often says, “I’m getting my energy out!”

 

She loved having a rainbow cake for her birthday and had the sweetest expression when we sang to her. She reveled in the attention and loved getting phone calls from family and friends and even told her primary and nursery teachers, “It’s my birthday today! I’m three!” She got a special “Jesus” night light from the primary president that she really likes. 

 

She wants to be big like her older sister and often talks about starting “Mommy preschool” next year! She loves to have alone time in the rare moments that she gets it. Her favorite color is “all of them!” She loves to sing the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, BINGO, Old McDonald. Her best friend is “Everyone.”  

 

She is nurturing, kind, loving, sweet, determined, fun, cuddly. She is light! We love her so much and are so grateful she is such an important and special part of our family. We love learning from her each day!