The next 10 days

Quotes from my last post that I now feel stupid about:

"I worried before having the baby that I would be grumpy, emotional and impatient all the time. And perhaps if she was a terrible sleeper, I would be." --> That came true yesterday as she did not sleep all day except when attached to me on a walk in my sling.  

"I worried that I would hate sitting around and feeling cooped up (and maybe I will in a few months)."--> Didn't take a few months. Only a few days.

"But I will say that it has been surprising so far how full my heart feels all the time."--> True, but it's hard to feel that full heart kinda feeling at 2 am when she keeps crying after I feed her.

"It has been surprising how much patience I have in the middle of the night."--> I now have about as much patience as I thought I would have. Maybe less. 

 It has been surprising how all I seem to need in life is her little hand holding mine as she is feeding. -->The only thing that is still true. I love her little hands and (most of the time) feeding is a positive experience and tender moment.

Things that have occurred in the past 10 days:

• Trying to get the babe to sleep all day (to no avail) then moving the pack n' play with her in it and having her instantaneously out for the next 7 hrs, only 2 of which I was able to sleep bc...
• Worrying she got some form of shaken baby syndrome when I moved the pack n' play because WHY IS SHE SLEEPING SO LONG and so soundly when all day she hasn't been?
• Thinking she is wheezing when it is actually just congestion but calling the ER to see if I should bring her in, them saying to bring her in, then deciding us deciding she is fine
• Her sleeping two long stretches at night last night - one 7 hr stretch and the other 5 hrs, but of course I didn't sleep bc I woke up with needles in my chest bc I'm in so much pain from not feeding her. Rolling my eyes for an hour and writhing in pain while listening to husband/babe snore soundly...bitterness sets in.
• Pumping in the middle of the night while emotional-eating a bratwurst in the dark
• Thinking this is dumb bc she probably will never sleep this long at night again and trying to get my body to adjust to it is pointless
• Worrying about her baby acne and her future teen years
• Weighing her in a makeshift cardboard box on our kitchen food scale to make sure she is gaining weight, at least she is, we think
• Trying relentlessly to get her to like a plastic form of my breast (BINKIE) but failing every time as she realizes it's not warm, and milky
• Putting pacifier back in her mouth 100x a day while she wakes up crying
• Me hating the pacifier bc it's ruining my life
• Wondering if I was like this as a child
• Listening to my mom/sisters laugh a ton as I recount these events
• Going on walks and the sunshine is LITERALLY my sanity lately
• Thinking that if my husband says he is tired today I will flip out bc HE IS NOT TIRED, I AM
• Wondering how on earth babe's schedule could be so insanely variable from day to day and wondering how my body will ever adjust to COMPLETE LACK OF SCHEDULE 
• Trying to cut her fingernails, ugh
• Still loving her little hands curled up around her face after I feed her and having that be one of the tender moments that keeps me going
• Crying every time I open a package lately from thoughtful friends/relatives
• Being way too honest with people when they ask how I'm doing lately and then making them feel awkward
• REALLY regretting and feeling stupid about how I told everyone four days after she was born, "She is such an easy baby! We're screwed if we have a second" I think we'll be okay if we decide to ever have children again.

Here is a photo of us before all of that happened.