10 tips for the Engineer's Wife

My husband is an engineer. And a good one, at that. Since the seventh grade, he knew that he wanted to become an engineer. He loved watching and helping his dad do projects around the house, followed him into jobs in high school, worked alongside him as a custodian in the school district, and enjoyed analyzing projects.

The other day we had Samuel's coworker, Ben (also an engineer) and his wife (a teacher) over for dinner. His wife and I became quick friends as it soon became apparent that, both being married to an engineer, we had experienced a ton of similar things. All four of us ended the night laughing about all of the quirks of our engineer husbands, and the challenges and comedy that came as we attempted to merge lives and styles. So, I thought I'd write down a few of the things I've observed after almost ten months of living with my engineer. For those thinking of marrying, currently married to, or wanting to better understand an engineer, I invite you to read my advice below.

Disclaimer: I do not have extensive enough experience with engineers of all sorts to generalize all of these things to all engineers, although that is the stance I am taking in this blog post. Additionally, husband has read these and doesn't find them offensive, just "facts" (his words). Lastly, although I write from a standpoint of embracing and advice-giving, we are still in the process/transition of learning about each other and embracing differences. We are by no means perfect!

1. Your husband will love construction sites just as much as he loves you, maybe more. In the beginning of our marriage, I would get frustrated when we were having a conversation in the car, and all of a sudden, it would come to a halt as S's eyes would wander. No, not to a hot lady on the street passing by, but to a nearby construction site. Our speed would slow, and I would all of a sudden feel like a third wheel, intruding on an intimate moment. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating. But just a little. Let's just say that now, I'm not so surprised when he takes the long way home "just to see what the latest is at the construction site." He is also fascinated by reading the notes of the "Planning and Zoning Committee Meetings." Honestly, you couldn't pay me to read those notes...

2. He will do an insanely better job at doing the dishes (and everything else) than you do. If you were to walk into our home, it would be instantly apparent who did the dishes last. If the dishes are haphazardly stacked, knives and plates every which-way, and maybe a few not quite as clean, you'll know that I cleaned them. (Hey, I try!) But if you see a pile of dishes where all the plates are next to each other, all the utensils are in a neat pile, every dish is sparkling clean, and everything has a logic and order to it, you'll know they were washed by my engineer hubs. Similarly, the one place that I "can't touch," the garage (an engineer's play room), will have a level of organization unknown to most minds. And trust me, I won't touch it, because it looks dangggg good.

3. His insane attention to detail will offer a great perspective different from your own; it may also lead to differences in communication styles. While his astute attention to detail may mean that some tasks take twice as long, it will also mean that his perspective will be very valuable to you. You will soon realize that you think, process, and communicate very differently. If you're like S and I, this will mean that he will prefer to communicate in detail the entire story, process, etc. without interruption, while you may prefer to have a back-and-forth conversation where interruptions abound.   It will take time to learn to not resent these differences as they can be both challenging and beneficial to your teamwork and perspective as a whole.

4. Get used to a cushy life where nothing is broken. If you're like me, you've lived in dumpy places (trailer-houses, bunkers, anything that is cheap-as-dirt) for the majority of your "adult" life, and you were fine with that. It even became a sort of trademark. Bunker babes. Trouse. It was all kind of cool, right? You were used to broken doorknobs, toilets that slanted, and faucets that dripped. It became part of your life. Until you met your engineer husband. When I first moved in with Samuel, and was still getting used to our house, I would ask things like, "Does the dishwasher work?" or "Does this work?" His usual response was, "If it doesn't work, I fix it. Everything in this house works." I soon realized that living with an engineer was insanely convenient. I honestly feel like I'm living the life now.

5. They often forget to eat. This is a problem I never, ever have. I love food. And maybe not all engineers are like this. But I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be an engineer trait. Oftentimes, S will get so focused on a task that he will forget to do all other things. Embrace the fact that you get to decide what's for dinner and remind him to eat it. :) That same insane focus that he exhibits towards projects will prove to be so vital when it's directed at you. It will help you feel loved and cared for because he will be committed to giving you what you need when you need it.

6. Engineers are amazingly committal and loyal. I read this in an article somewhere. While it's not possibly true that all engineers are great partners, the article stated that because the profession requires concentration, effort, and seeing projects through to the end, this same mindset often translates into relationships. At least in my relationship with S, this was definitely true. He is a problem-solver, and although his strategy for solving problems may differ from mine, he has always been amazingly, unwaveringly committed and loyal to our relationship, even when setbacks present themselves.

7. Awkward silences in social situations aren't awkward to engineers. At our dinner, this is the one we laughed hardest about. Moments where most of other people may cringe in awkwardness in social situations will not seem awkward to an engineer. While this is somewhat a dude trait, it is accentuated in engineer dudes. For example, you get a group of engineers together, and they are perfectly content to just sit there and not talk. Or to have conversations disjointed by long, seemingly awkward silences. The best/most alarming part? No one in the room finds it awkward. The silences may at first make you cringe, then you embrace the freedom of not having to talk/entertain (or embrace the opportunity for you to rattle off your latest thoughts uninhibited with a captive audience, in my situation).

8. Give the man his space to work on projects, and don't micromanage. No dude likes it when his woman tells him what to do. But engineers especially need the space and time to "tinker." They enjoy it as much as you enjoy a sundae. Or an apple crisp. Resist the urge to take it personally when they get going on a project that lasts later than anticipated. They need that time to wind-down and let their creative juices flow and make sense out of their universe.

9. Contrary to some perspectives, engineers are incredibly creative. Expect them to have different, valuable, and creative solutions to problems that may arise. For example, the other day, I was mentioning to S that I felt like we weren't getting enough vegetables in our diet. I felt like we needed to get more of them. He responded, in all sincerity, with, "Well, we can start by googling all the vegetables in the world." I couldn't help but laugh at his suggestion because it was one I would never think to try. Later on, S designed and built a stable for my sister and her husband as a Christmas gift. I was amazed at his ability to design and think outside the box, to assimilate information and create something unique and awesome. Harness your husband's creativity! Our stable is something I will treasure forever because it was designed by him.

10. Enjoy the carharts and work clothes. He'll wear them often and they're super sexy. Winkwink. He just bought four pairs the other day "for work" but then he was sporting them things on our date night. I guess you've always got to be prepared for unplanned construction opportunities, spontaneous opportunities to fix something. ;)