Sabbath day thoughts- April 28, 2019

Today I'm feeling burnt out and tired. I've been waking up at 4 am the past two nights and not going back to sleep because I've been in pain from not feeding H (she's sleeping longer now and my body's still adjusting). On top of that, A has been sleeping less and been way more grumpy and temperamental. The combination of these two factors = physically and emotionally exhausted every day. Yesterday I cried from it all. On top of this, H doesn't nap well in her crib during the day. One of her naps today was 17 minutes and that's pretty normal for her, but it's exhausting for me because I don't get any down time. Thankfully she sleeps 7 pm-7 am so she makes up for it and we all know most moms would kill to have my problem, but STILL

This morning I decided to take the girls for a drive to find my calm and get H to sleep a long nap before church (it's at 1 pm). On the drive, I listened to a conference talk entitled "Christ: The Light that Shines in Darkness." It was just what I needed to hear. She mentions several groups of people that may have lost some of the light of their testimony and why. One of the groups is just TIRED (cue: ME). I loved the talk so much (and have such a significantly less efficient brain) that I had to listen to it three times on the drive to absorb all of it. I've been feeling too tired for spiritual things but also craving some feeling of love from Heavenly Father. I felt that tender, soft comforting feeling of the Holy Ghost while I listened to the words of the talk and felt that God has heard my prayers, said and unsaid.

Then I went to church today. Samuel is in the bishopric so that means a (needy) two year old and a two month old and ME...alone on the pew for ONE HOUR of sacrament meeting. You'd think that wouldn't be that long but I'm literally sweating by the end of church because it's so dang stressful and exhausting. A is crawling all over me and having fits because church is smack dab in the middle of her nap time. She's so exhausted and she's smart enough to know exactly where daddy sits up front so she's constantly talking about DADDY DADDY DADDDYYYYYY. She plays pretty well independently at home but apparently that doesn't translate to church because she wants me to entertain her the whole hour. Meanwhile I'm trying to get Heidi to take a nap and she just wouldn't today and was really fussy during church. I asked a high schooler Rachel to help me with the kids but A doesn't know her and she doesn't really know how to help anyway. But I had the distinct feeling that I should ask her to help because it would benefit HER life in addition to mine. I have struggled to ask anyone to help me so that affirmation from the Spirit helped me ask her, and she was so enthusiastic. It made me remember all the times in youth especially when I was asked to serve and how much I benefited from it. Hopefully this will do the same for her.

Anyway, sacrament meeting was stressful and tiring. Then I went to Relief Society and the lesson, unbeknownst to me, was on THE SAME TALK I had listened to three times this morning! My eyes were filled with tears and my heart was full of a feeling of love from my Heavenly Father. I was only able to stay in relief society for thirty minutes before I had to feed Heidi in the mother's room but I was able to share my testimony that, even when we feel tired and exhausted, when we make a small effort (our loaves and fishes), he will magnify those efforts into something better and He will reach us like He did for me this morning. Bearing that testimony answered my own prayer and I feel so strengthened from church today, which was something I've really been needing after two months of not going to church and staying home with my newborn and toddler.

God is real, guys, and He's aware of our struggles and desires of our hearts! I don't have all the answers, or most of the answers for that matter, but I know that today.

Also, can I just say that the mother's room is the most peaceful room in the whole church? I love my quiet moments with my my sweet baby. As long as no one else is in there with a crazy toddler trying to get a diaper change. Just kidding ;)